LIFE IN THE HOTEL IN THE SPRING OF 2004
by Crazy Carl Robinson
while i'm on the subject of the hotel, i might as well go ahead and break down my floor for you.....when i first moved back here i lived on the 3rd floor (i think the manager likes to put students on the 1st four floors and the older freaks on the top three), but the dude above me kept pissing and throwing up on my balcony, so i asked to be moved somewhere else (and in retrospect, i kinda regret the decision).....to tell ya the truth, the 6th floor is so fucking u-g-l-y that i wouldn't even wish it on you, dear reader.....a black drug dealer from detroit lives in 601.....he likes to stand outside the door in his underwear and talk on his cell phone (perhaps hoping that the 2 cute coeds who live in 602 will "accidently" run into him).....i walked by one night and he was talking on the phone--all fucked up and completely naked.....i walked by, said "hey, howsit going" and kept right on motherfucking walking.....the coeds who live in 602 are blond and quite hot.....one of them will sometimes smile at me in the elevator, but they wisely don't speak to anyone.....the horsegirl lives in 603 with her australian boyfriend (who kinda looks like a fat donal logue) and his two kids.....the horsegirl used to work at cvs, but got fired (i'm not sure why, but i assume it is somehow connected to him).....i've seen him get arrested 3 times in the 2 years that they have lived here.....one time he thought this dude in the lobby was looking at the horsegirl's ass and a full-fledged brawl ensued.....the second time i saw him get arrested was in the parking lot.....5-0 had pulled him over for expired tags when they realized that he owed somebody money and took him in.....the horsegirl left his kids with the girl at the front desk and went to bail him out.....i don't know why he got arrested the 3rd time--i just saw 2 cops leading him off the elevator in handcuffs.....oh, if you're curious as to why the horsegirl is called "horsegirl," it's because she has big giant hillbilly teeth.....she's pretty good-looking overall--big tits, nice ass, and an hourglass figure (just don't tell her boyfriend i said that, ok?).....old man sideburns lives in 604.....he's in his mid-sixties, has long sideburns (no beard or moustache) that come down to the corner of his mouth, and is always wearing a cleveland browns jacket and hat combination even in the summer.....old man sideburns speaks to no one--like if you ask him about the browns in the elevator, he'll turn his back to you.....mountain girl lives in 605 (and they don't call her mountain girl because she resembles jerry garcia's 2nd wife).....mountain girl is 6'1'' and tips the scales at a good 250 lbs.....the housekeepers swear that she has the messiest hotel room in the history of the hotel, but to my knowledge no living creature has never made it out of there alive.....mountain girl is rumored to work as a phone solicitor.....my old neighbor, lil-rob-with-the-blue-hair said she bought ecstacy from him a couple times, but lil rob aint exactly the most trustworthy of sources.....lil arnold schwarzenegger lives in 606.....i don't really know that much about him other than the fact that he's bipolar and on a lot of medication.....like dale-the-tail always hints that lil arnold dialed 911 after an aborted suicide attempt a few years back, but i can't confirm that rumor either.....lil arnold fancies himself a bodybuilder and works as a phone solicitor for some credit card company in akron.....he was always in love with front desk clerk, natasha, but now he would appear that he's in love with manager james (like if lil arnold isn't bisexual, i would say it's safe to assume that he needs a lot of attention).....i heard he had chrome's disease too, but again, my source is less than reputable.....joe-the-retard lives in 607 with his ms-having girlfriend (who's actually smart and almost kool).....he's the one who told me (on the first night we met) about how his girlfriend used to work at a quickie mart and how this regular customer raped her in his car one night.....joe-the-retard got a drunk in public last month (to go along with his 3 duis), so joe-the-retard's been kinda quiet lately although i can still hear him scream on sundays whenever the browns' opponent scores a toughdown.....tecumseh terry lives in 608.....he's working on his ph.d in chemistry.....he's also a born-again christian who favors cowboy hats and asian girls.....the biggest motherfucking freak in the world lives in 609--and that freak would be me.....cousin tim lives in 610 (he's fiftysomething and retired from the military).....he's also the biggest fucking alcoholic i've ever met in my life (and coming from me that's saying something).....like i'm sure he polishes off a fifth of bourbon every single night of the week.....and when he's on a bender, his eyes are red and cracked like no eyes i've ever seen (even more so than the dude at va tech who put blotter acid in his eyeball).....i came out of my apartment one night and cousin tim was too fucked up to work the key to unlock his door.....i'll try my impression, but it won't do the scene justice: "fucking.....fuckfuck.....keyfuck.....fuck".....and cousin tim looked at me for a brief second as if he wanted to rip my heart out of my chest--and i got the fuck out of there.....and when i came back from the store 30 minutes later, cousin tim was lying beside his door in a pile of vomit and puke.....i'm pretty sure he'd pissed his pants too.....i said: "what's up, dude" real softly and eased my way into my room.....i've seen tim grab the housekeeper's ass and ask desk clerk, missy if he could "take pictures of her tiny, perfect lil titties".....of course, he's blacked out and remembers none of it the next day.....tim has some kind of button on his keychain that will disable his van in the event of an emergency and supposedly the owner of his favorite bar in canton will have the bartenders throw him in the back at closing time and then push the button so he can sleep it off.....in 3 years time, i've never seen the dude who lives in 611.....i think that may be a good thing.....hashish the indian lives in 612 with a roommate whose name i don't know.....i have no real stories about hashish other than the fact that he's deeply involved in "indian amway"--you know, kinda like our version of amway where you buy $1000 worth of crap and try to sell it to all your friends and neighbors for $1050 to make back your original investment.....i think he's using the bond of friendship as a ploy to trick dale-the-tail into joining.....dale-the-tail claims that he only goes to their conferences for the free trips to exotic locals like gary and grand rapids, but i don't think even his inherent racism can save him from the cult now.....there is no room 613 because hotels are superstitious and never have a 13th anything--the floor couldn't be any worse than it already is, ya know.....dale-the-tail lives in room 614 (the last door on a bad street).....nuff said, wouldn't you agree?.....
Dr. Crazy Carl Robinson is the author of two novels: Fat On The Vine, which documented the protagonist's pursuit of an old flame, and Dead In The Head, a sequel to the first novel which finds the protagonist five years down the road trying to wrestle life into some semblance of sanity. A member of the Underground Literary Alliance, Robinson currently resides in Ohio and Virginia, remarking that he likes to live the school months in a Gore state and the vacation months in a Bush one. More of his work can be found at Great Gnu Press and drinkdrankdrunk. He can be reached most easily electronically: carlrob (whereit'sat) earthlink.net.